death note V(hopefully,a finalized pathetic life)

My name's Klirick Zoulivan., but that's not my real name..I grew up with my parents in a peaceful town called Castillejos...There, i started to build my dreams inspired by love and enthusiasm...
Everyday was filled with endless daydreams of what I would become in the bright, near future...Everyone was smiling while gazing at me and I was smiling back...
That was 14 years back...My life wasn't so complicated and I didn't want a way out of it like i do now...

I never really imagined myself in situation such as this,but I am and it is obviously inevitable...Though I do want to kill myself so badly,I just couldn't have the guts to do it...Or I'm just waiting for a miracle..I don't really know...
And so, this is how my amusing yet very untold story goes...


Chapter One: "A very funny joke"

"What adventure could i possibly have today?",I was always murmuring every morning while gazing at our house's ceiling on a typically busy day...
I stood up with a smile on my face and shivering in excitement, wishing I was already in school and done with the preparations for it...
But then again a few hours had past by and i didn't noticed i was already in the classroom filled it energetic and very noisy children...
And as i socialize with my classmates, I wasn't realizing that I wasn't like them and yet in those vigorous times,
I was still happy or am I just pretending to be?...

Days went by like air coming in and out my lungs and in between these days there was a day i saw them laughing at me but I didn't mind that since i thought its really a simple harming joke which i can never be harmed...But suddenly I was feeling very curious why they were laughing and started to approach the jolly crowd...I was surprised how they reacted in a way i never knew a 5 year old like me would...
Then each day that past by, my unstoppable vigor started to turn into fear and doubt in myself...
It's like everyone was looking at me and everyone is amused how a stupid looking kid like me existed...
Then I started to hate myself more and more each day...I didn't want to be noticed anymore unlike the kid they used to know...
My mother noticed me one day and talk to me..."Dont be ashamed if they say bad things about you or laugh at you...just tell them with your chip up",
"I'm the only one with this kind of ugliness",my mom advised me...But yeah, it did turn out it was a good rebuttals towards my disgusting appearance..
For a couple of years i answered back in a way no one would see that I'm not so bothered by the obvious fact that I'm not normal...
A few years later i saw myself being in a classroom filled ruthless critics..Staring me in a very distracting way...

And there at the very room ,"I completely hated humanity" including myself for the first time in my life..I could never uttered the words i did
when i was so depressed with the the harsh environment i was imprisoned on...wishing everyday was the last or at least would end quickly for i cant stand it anymore...I didn't want to go to school much since I always get the feeling of
rejection but I still punched myself in it because I knew someday things will be different and I'll be accepted on this world that I exactly needed...
Sad but true...God never existed for 14 years in this seemed to be never ending life and even my father made my childhood into a living nightmare...
That each step I took only gave me deeper fear of rejection...

Love did stroke me and I learned how it really works..Though no one could really understand and return the love I did offered...Or was it just that hard to give to some one such as myself...
It was like its a rotting pie that even a stray dog wouldn't eat...Pity that i never really enjoyed a single day of my life...

High school came and I was still struggling to move forward to a pitched black future and I continued to be honest with myself that i wanted something more than this awful life is giving me..
Though it's hard to blend myself I made it out knowing that someday my life will be more then this ugly empty handed boy I saw on the other side of the mirror...

But I didn't died there...
I continued to walk with my head straight to the seem to be unreachable ground where I know I belong to....
Things got even worse when i graduated high school...




Chapter Two: The 1st One:My Own Sassy Girl

It was the a perfect sunset...I was sitting next to my friend Ferdinand, a friend of mine that took me to his uncle's house...He even ask for his uncle to let me stay there...
I didn't realized until I heard from him that his father also send him away...I could still remember the 3 punches my head caught before my father sent off...It was like wind that blew to my head that i felt them all in one blow because he caught me smoking....I was surprised when I went home upon seeing my scattered clothes and belongings in front of the door...Mother was ill already that time and couldn't argue with father,
so i really had to go...Good thing Ferdinand, even didn't knew me well ask his uncle to let me stay...

And there she was blocking the view of the sunset I was watching Victoria, that was her name...We would fondly call her "Tisay"...She had a pointed nose and an American ethnicity...Quite charming but
hurts us like there's no tomorrow coming to do it again...She pulls my hair like its going to get ripped off, slaps like shes in a leading role in a drama movie and kicks like a horse...In other words,
there's no way I'd feel in love with her....Days did passed by and she was just a friend i knew...Well that was until that day she seemed to be different...She didn't do anything brutal that day well like that "Tisay" i used to know..
And as i stare longer it was like shes seducing me...It was like it couldn't be helped..That night which was new year and she did told me she likes me and starting that night we were in a relationship...It was as simple as that...I didn't actually remember it clearly maybe because of the vodka we drunk that night or was I just forgetting about it cause I didn't want to know what kind of stupidity I did just impress her....I don't really know...She would often sleep with me and I would go and walk her home before morning comes...Most of the time Victoria's cousin would chase me with a kitchen knife thinking I was courting his sister and not Victoria her cousin...
Eventually, I wasn't caught but I did run a lot...It was really funny how I couldn't fight back.."I really am stupid", i murmured once thinking how the fuck i could say I love Victoria yet I couldn't stand up on my own ground and fight her cousin just to show I'm also a man...
But still all was really fine with me...I was planing to work for Victoria's mother and someday build a family with Victoria and be happy for the rest of my life with her...Well, that was until a day came when I was hanging out at my favorite bakery and I saw our neighbor...She did knew that i was sent away and also knew about mother getting sick...She told me she was getting worse so i rushed home to find that shes already in our province...
And so I had to go there too but since it was so urgent and I was so worried ,I didn't had the chance to say goodbye to Victoria...I didn't even get her number which she was always cramming up my head ...So there it ended on that day it was so and i thought I'd actually find some one else anyways...Stupid me...
A love story that didn't even had a climax...Pity how it ended..Until now i was thinking what could have happened if I just didn't went home..Well anyways mother and father didn't really loved me...And anyways im just so weak to do that climax I was planning so badly...
So that ends it and me being alone in the province I don't even know what the fucking dialect they were using..I bit my lips like i always do and say.."It's not them..its just stupid old me..."
This was the point of my miserable life where I lost the belief of the idea that there was some one they call "GOD" for real...
for me he's just a stupid guy mocking and laughing at my amusing life...


Chapter Three: My death in a glimpse of a eye
(the last person that could ever do that)


There I was sitting in front of the computer fixing my friendster account with my stomach aching caused by ulcer after a few weeks since I left father due to another misunderstanding...Then I saw her layout...(her name was Hayley Ann Aym, well that's what called her in my head at least)an Emily the Strange layout..
then i said to myself., "so other people do like her..." Well I didn't knew how in the fucking hell I got the courage to message her...I asked her where she got her layout...Well, actually she did replied and that was a start of a good conversation between us...
She asked my number and we txted for a few weeks...We got to know each other despite the fact that I'm a loser and will never get a chance to win her heart...I did expect her to love me back like I did towards her and then one day, she told me she loves me too.. That was the happiest day in my life and then worship...(well not actually worshiped)emily as a God of my own imaginary world...(yeah,my own imaginary world...where no one calls me stupid and useless...)
As days passed by I did a lot of blood writings for her and did met her 2 times despite the distance and money i spent...Something like Zambales to Trinoma...Well I thought shes the last girl that might puffed off the ground so I gave her everything that I could..even my
most precious journals...(death note vol 1 and 2)which has all my deepest secrets that for all i know only she knows before I came to this day I'm writing this...uhmmm..what ever this is...Anyways, weeks went by like the wind and I thought I need to go and finish the course I took before so I decided to go back home..Things didn't worked out as planed...My aunt was seduced by my jealous and selfish aunts, uncles ,cousins and other relatives which for all I know should fucking go to hell already...If there was a real GOD that is...(but hey!this isnt a fairy tail...)
I had to look for a job instead but gee it was so hard.. I couldn't text her as much(Hayley)..But I did try my best to even spent my allowance for food and would only eat at night just to at least get to know if shes alright...Butone day, my aunt told me that she knew someone that could give me a job..(which turned out to be the most interesting job i could ever have)...A few weeks passed, I text Aym and told the good news..in a very unhappy way she said she was happy for me..."this isnt like her"...i just said to myself...Then i stared bugging her whats wrong we had a fight ...
O thought it was ok since I always had fights but we did manage to fix it within that day or the day after that...But we didn't somehow..She didn't even bothered letting me know if I wanted to continue the one sided relationship which I knew to begin with yet i just lied to myself...And then a day after my first pay out at my job she told me..."i just dont love you anymore"
...And the 3 last words i ever read from her after that..."IM SORRY MOMON"...A few days of scouting her friendster account, (yeah.Stalker-san) I saw a few messages from a school mate...It was a conversation which broke my heart...She's dating that guy and was really in love after all..The guy she always tell me about..That perfect looking guy that even in my dreams I could never win her from him...
It was a shock a fucking joke that I wanted to laugh at and say "Aym if your joking..please stop already"...I did try to contact her over and over again but wasn't lucky enough or she did just used me like I always presumed she was....A few weeks later I saw myself becoming a person i wouldn't imagine i could be...A loner...A suicidal...An emo music maniac...I started to cut my fingers with a razor and pass on meals which made my ulcer worse...
Only then I started to realize that I'm stupider that i ever thought and I should face the fact that NO ONE COULD EVER LOVE ME...THAT I'M SO USELESS AND I SHOULD DEFINITELY DIE...
I started to plan how I will die and couldn't see anything bright and worth a smile in the future...

....So instead i just tried to be busy and start killing myself slowly but surely....
But never did I thought of moving on...

Chapter Four: A Stolen Angel
(an angel which should had been mine)

As I was browsing a site which were to find clients to talk to, I saw her...said she's 18 and there was something that made me say something I don't usually say...It's like she was broken as I am..I should try talk to her...I did though the fact that I always told myself I wouldn't care about other people anymore... We had a couple of months of conversation and it was really cool meeting a 14(she confessed to me a month after we met that shes only 14)year old girl
She could play guitar (her name was Xyza) and she also has a friend which was so awesome with keyboard...(Janine)...We shared a dream of having a band (hehe,well I could still dream anyways) with me in the vocals..I could sing well back then..(welcome to the black parade,guardian angel,seven years,intensity of seven cities,the suffering-name it I could take the note up to it-too bad i cant now...) The only thing I hated was when I saw pics of her craving her arm and wrist..."its usual habit..its takes the pain away", she would say often times...But what made me feel so bad was when I saw my name "killua" on her arm..It was like, "FUCK!..I'm such a burden"..I even cause her pain and I'm already stupid as I look...Maybe it was when I told her i wont talk to her anymore if I see or heard that shes carving... But still she did and I didn't had anymore choice and leave her...(at a time when I was actually liking her) So at that time my co worker talking to her, I just had to say I'll be leaving her to him to do my part as a bf..Well we did had a relationship.."I guess I couldn't guess either"..Because it was like a wild goose chase...We couldn't decide...It's like every time I would say i love her I didn't mean it...Maybe im still loving Aym but I knew I did love her..It's just her anyways...She didn't want to talk to me much and yeah, shes carving her wrist and arm...I had no choice but to let her flew away...Anyways, "she's better off being normal like the others"..That was what I said to myself...I also advised her to be normal as of today, we never got to talk...I saw her profile and she was happy so I probably don't want to be a bother anymore..Besides why the fuck would she want me now?

And so I continued to plan my long anticipated death....




Chapter Five: 2nd death of the Dreamer
(a very foolish dream)


Unico (my co worker and probably best friend) was while playing a ragnarok based game(LGP)..("well its cute...but not that interesting I said...) The funny thing was, I did played it the other day...Maybe due to boredom and lack of motivation in life...But didn't talk to much to people in the game..Then I met a few Visayans which was quite emotional but much more of a doer than a poser..Yet they dont admit that theyre emo, (as they are) I knew that each one has a story to tell which I wanted to hear about so i could escape my own reality even for a moment..And there she was, she messaged me..."why do you hate yourself?", in shock I just said, "leave me alone!", and walked through...Another girl messaged me saying, "why do you hate yourself..." yet again...
Getting annoyed, I just said, "mind your own business!!"..But she insisted to talk to me and said, "you're not alone"...but still I said, "just leave me alone!!!for fuck's sake!!!"
Again I continued to play for a few weeks more and I had the habit shouting to the world chat..."fuck life"... Then there she was again, the first girl that messaged me...and learned what shes been through (her name was Saydie Roberts)... We chatted and chatted...(shes british and I enjoy conversations with english people...unlike stupid
filipinos that all they cared about are themselves..well that's what I thought back then at least)...One day, I saw Unico talking to her on ym....I didn't want to interfere..I'm not that kind of person that steals girls by adding them to my own ym and try to win them out..Besides the fuck would fall for some one as miserable as I am....So I continued to play the game and forgot about Saydie..Then , I met the second girl that messaged me...Misa Aname(well that's what I call her)...She always makes me feel she does care but I didn't actually cared and would say bad words to her...like.."fuck you!..your just one of them..fake people like you should die!!your all the fuking same!", but still she would stick with me and team up to level up...Well I probably enjoyed her company and again something in me wasn't suppose to react reacted...Something which I was familiar and so afraid of..."fuck!!!!"
And I did told her once, in a way only we could understand...I told her that i do like her..She only insisted to be friends and when i learned the truth about her ex bf which she ever carved his name on her arm using a cutter..."yeah..we're the same after all" ...She wasn't interest to love me...I know I really look stupid anyways and her types were handsome guys..In other words, far from an idiot looking guy like me...
One day my account got hacked and only Misa knews the password besides me...I blamed her and told her things which I am still fucking regretting up to this date...I tried to forgot about her completely while enduring the scar that I believed she caused me ...Then I pretended to believe her, she suddenly got cold towards me...There were times when I gave her songs which I pass through her ym and she always said "yes" but that day was different...She refused and wont even go team up with me
to level up...I burst and said, "YOU FUCKING LIAR!!!I SHOULDN'T HAVE TRUSTED YOU IN THE FUCKING FIRST PLACE!!" and didn't talked to her since...

Days flew and i tried to get busy drunk alot and smoked alot with this family I am in...My heart's so badly injured and Saydie was there on the other side of my computer screen to talk and listen to my complaints in life...Alone with no one to team up with in the game she usually tags me along..I didn't notice the days passed me by and I started to hate the game and stopped playing it..And one night when Unico was sleep I saw Saydies ym on unico...I didn't knew what made me do it, but I secretly took her add and added it to mine..We had a conversation and I really enjoyed it..I did it again the next day...
Then the next days..Until there I was courting her...(yeah..shes so pretty..and and shes in london for christ fucking sake)...Maybe I just enjoyed the fact that I have some one to talk to and anyways at least even though we can never meet at least I could drown on this dream that she does love me...I said to my self clearly that I would never expect out of that relation ship but there I was once again...Spent all my time talking to her day and night..I hardly sleep and eat but it was really fun also it goes with the plan i have killing myself...As I never saw it coming, the least expected happened..
I feel in love again..for the 2nd fucking time in my life, it was indeed love(or i was just that happy)..Which I even promised that i would never again do..Maybe its just for fun anyways I am having fun after all..At first I only wanted to accompany her cause I believed i actually met the real her..The Saydie Roberts that cries at night and yet smile in front of her foster parents...The Saydie Roberts that I believed needed help more than anyone else I knew...So from that day I met that Saydie Roberts I promised myself, "I'll definitely help her"...I'll make her normal or at least happy as she is... But when the day came when she also told me the same exact words that aym told me("i just dont love you anymore")..It was inevitable anyways...I knew it would come too cause I always thought I know how people think...But knowing I did a good job making her "normal" I just said I was happy for her...We did have a very complicated love life...It was due to her schizophrenia (split personality)...I even thought I was actually loving the real her...One day I just had to give up because i learned that the one that fell in love with me was the lonely her (the one that cuts her self,the one that cries all the time,the one that's so depressed saying she was always fat,and yeah...the one that was saying that she loved me) So i just have to leave her alone and that completely drew me to hating myself to the point where i had to say things like "sorry I'm so stupid" or "I'm so ugly" or "I hate myself" even to people around me...That the fact of me being so stupid is really true and couldn't be denied anymore...I cried so many times and bleed my pain and anger...I was like I was going crazy...
But yeah here I am and stilling living writing or typing this...


a stolen angel




Chapter Six: 3rd Death of a Never Ending Dream
(the angel that i should had chased)

At the time when Saydie and I was already having an affair, Misa was messaging me and learned about the fact that she was loving me already...I couldn't do anything or say anything because I was never the kind of guy to get two people to love me or maybe the other way around (I don't want to promise two people my heart..well things like normal people do...man I'm such a dork..)...She would usually say "i love you", but I just couldn't say I love her..I wouldn't want to have two girlfriends at the same time like other people would even though I never and can never actually meet them...I'd rather have none than two...Anyways, its was foolish really...then she started to bring back the things i told her just to make me feel guilty and depressed...
I was really sorry...explained it three or four days..With that same topic being talked about I was trying to calm her down and say I was so sorry and would usually fall asleep but I just couldn't say "I love you" back to her...Then the day after saydie broke up with me there she was, a girl I just shoved off, but she still said "its ok...your not alone"...I cried...A LOT!!!Hearing she did had an ulcer and got worse caused by me...Well she told me it wasn't just me.but i know it was or I just had to blame myself for it...
I'm the only person she could talk to though we never really met...The fact that we were both happy playing that stupid game ...(hehehe)it was an awful misunderstanding and I wish I could just turn back time...That I should have waited for her...A few weeks after that..she couldn't go online anymore...Well we could talk and things like that but not that much anymore..I have decided one day I would buy a cellphone again cause my brother lost my old one and I never actually cared for it since no one would even txt me anyways...I would then txt her but when i got the cellphone and got her number..she wouldnt text as much..as if she wasnt interested in talking to me like before...The worst scenario came..."were always friends anyways...", she told me...It's so clear its was just like me back then when Saydie and i were having an affair...It was like a knife...I knew she's happy living a life without a mistake like me..which took her for granted so many times or it could just be the obvious fact that im not good with girls...I hated myself so much that
the last event I came to a few hours was such a OUT-OF-PLACE experience for me(friendster day..I was with Unico)...I couldn't talk to anyone i don't know anymore...I've lost the ability to please people and everyone hates me now..Even the people I live in now I guess...I always do the wrong things at the right time, lost the sense of security in what i do...I know i look stupid anyways so I should just stick to the inevitable truth that I should be alone and I don't deserve happiness..
To all that would and could read this...
"I'm sorry for being such an eyesore,for doing stupid things, for being ugly and childish....
Dont worry I would eventually give up this stupid body I got isn't that hard to kill anyways so it wouldn't take longer anymore...
Sorry just words...
I quit life and I wont do things in a very synchronized way like most people would....
I love you, the family I am in...This will be the last place I will be in...If ever I do have to leave here, that would be the end of this miserable soul's journey...."

Chapter Seven: Confused yet Happy

I never thought I'd be writing here again..I guess I wanted to tell some one what I'm feeling and what I've been through these past years..Things got more complicated when it comes to living because I thought the family I'm in wouldn't change towards me...Maybe I did just change or did I pretend better?..I'm not really sure what to think anymore..The business my boss owns was bankrupted...It was so sad for me because this was my first job...I even promised this would be the last job I'll ever be in...I miss my co workers and the time when we didn't care what will happen tomorrow while we were drinking...SO my boss some how found ways to at least make us eat two times a day which was more that good enough...I mean why would I complain?..I'm just living here on their house and eating meals for free...I tried making myself useful to them by doing chores and running errands..I always thought of getting a job too so i could help them with the bills but I guess I wasn't that lucky...I hated myself more everyday seeing us in a situation like this...My boss was always cheerful though and never talked about money...(well not much as anyone would)..The time came that we had to try things to earn money doing typing and rating jobs online..We really hoped for those sites to pay us but they never did...I guess they were some kind of scam or something like that...In the end, we had to play a game that we could sell the online money(the currency was called Alz) to at least pay all the bills...We stayed happy for doing this kind of work...I just hope the happiness wouldn't end anymore..."I would love to die in a place like this", that's what I always said to myself...It was like we were lost souls that are bound to die together..I thought it was cool though because I always wanted to die anyways why not with people that do care for me?...I probably didn't achieved anything great or something worth telling but I was contented with dying like this..For me this would be the greatest death I could ever have...But one day came when suddenly they seemed to hate me...They were not like they used to be..I don't understand...But I did try to understand...Am I this stupid?..I thought I found people or place where I really fit in...Is it bad to be happy all the time or I really tend to be lonely all my life...It was like I find ways to be lonely even if I do the things I like to do all the time, loneliness just finds a way to me...But why would I complain?..SO from that day on...I killed myself once more and did what I never wanted to do to people I love...I faked everything...from a smile to a laugh...From being happy to not being sad..I kept it all in and was doing so well up to this day..."Life is a fake", that's what I always thought from that day on...



Chapter Eight: Some one that made me feel alive...

A day came that I was really so lonely that even when I'm listening to the songs I really like and smoked or drunk enough, I could be happy for real anymore...The inevitable truth came out...I'm dying from the inside faster than I was dying from the outside...I couldn't even cry anymore..It was like I was an empty shell..."Why?", i muttered once... Suddenly as I was really in need of some one to talk to besides myself, a message that said "Hi" came and popped out my screen...(Euphiemia Brittania,well thats the name I came to call her in my head) The email address was somehow familiar but me being so grumpy just said, "Who's this?" and before I knew it my fingers already sent the message...I was suppose to say hi back and wanted to talk more so she would be like so impressed or at least be happy that she'll be online again and talk to me...But suddenly a voice that said, "block her" was heard by my ears...Seeing it was some one i knew and was the person that could order me to do that, I did what he said..Though she might just be the only person i could probably talk to in a long time...A couple of weeks passed and another message from her pop out...I wasn't the only one inside the house and probably if I continued talking to her i might get scolded by the one that said I should block her in the first place...Despite those facts, I just said, "screw that...I need her right now...some one to talk to..."...And so that was the start of us chatting everyday...It wasn't that long ago though...It was like last month or so...I didn't remember because I already saw what was coming to me and I knew something this temporary and hurtful should leave me head as soon as possible so I really don't want to remember things we talked about or things concern about her...I found myself stuck with talking to her...And every time she wasn't online I was so lonelier than I used to be..The funny thing was, I always made her feel I never care...I want her to think I was and will never be interested with her..Well, it really hard for me because I was really into her by then and what we did agreed was "friends"..I wasn't really good with girls(lying to them and yeah acting normal and all that...)...So most of the time I kinda screw up and say things that make her feel what I was feeling...That was inevitable though...Like I said, I saw this coming already and yet no matter how much I did I just couldn't leave her...There were even times when I even lie to her just to make sure she doesn't get the feeling of me liking her...The worst part was she kept being so nice to me and we talked so much about all things...We got to find out secrets and likes or dislikes...It was like so nice that I was even laughing and smiling and everyone noticed..So when that day came I had to make excuses when I go out and meet Euphie and had to make her use of my other email..The first email I ever made...I often ask myself, "I am doing something wrong?.." or something like, "Should I try ending this here before it hurts me harder and harder everytime?"..But because I was so good at enduring pain inside of me and pretending to be alright..I always made up with her when ever I was fighting with her for small reasons..It was really stupid of me hurting her with words I know she would get hurt of.."I'm sorry", i would always mutter...I wanted to cry...I wanted to kill myself...I wanted to just disappear because what I was doing was selfish..."Is it because I love her already?", I kept asking myself...It was something even I with so much hurting inside couldn't explain..I was always wondering she was still there and making up with me even though it was all my fault from the start since I knew this would happen (and too soon)..."Do you ever want me or need me?", it was a lyrics from the song I listened for a hundred times a day...Even now I am listening to it...What struck me was the lyrics "there's always another day"..It was exactly saying what I was doing...I get mad at her and the next day I was already happy cause she was talking to me again...I knew what I was doing was wrong because I was like owning her and claiming that I should be the only one she would talk to and be happy talking with..."Fuck!!!What Am I suppose to do just to make her talk to me more or at least notice I wanted her to be always there talking to me?"..The feeling inside me started to consume me and made me confused...So confused that I always think of her like every moment..It was so stupid I know.."I wish she would like care and love me too (but the fact that I know this probably isn't love because it's so selfish was still obvious..)...I wanted to have a future with her or at least be the one she was loving before I die...The I started to watch this anime I always wanted to watch because it was hard drama...I always wanted to do something to her that one of the characters did..And one day she insisted to come to where I was living...It was something I wouldn't want though..Since I knew if she did, she would come often and we wouldn't have to meet in secrecy anymore..Also the fact that she might want to talk to some one else now...I am just another friend to her...I wanted to cry but I couldn't..

Note to self..."Don't forget Monday, 27.Dec.10"

Daydreams occurred more often...The funny thing is I knew she would never really like me at least but there I was feeling that I should do something..."I told you not to let yourself fall in love with me", after she kissed me suddenly...She also kept saying that phrase while I was saying "I already love you already.."In response to that phrase I would just say "I'm so sorry..." We even did something I only dreamed of doing..But yeah, I would never say I didn't want it...Even though I cried when we were doing it...It was like I wanted it and didn't mean it..."This is crazy", I muttered a couple of times that day...When i came home and lay myself to sleep I cried...But I didn't fall asleep..I was thinking about so many things that time...Then before I knew it these emotions suddenly came into me...It all struck me all at the same time...Sadness, happiness, anger, contempt, disgust, hatred, surprise, shame, regret, horror, worry and probably love...I felt other emotions i couldn't distinguish due to the way it suddenly came into me...

Sadness, because I did something that might make her hate me, because I was wondering if she was really this sad to do things like these I might just be a burden to her, because she was telling the truth about hating herself or probably because I would just be another guy that would she eventually forget...

Happiness, because I was about to do something I always wanted to do with the some one I truly love, because I was happy she was with me that day, because I got to kiss her for the first time or probably because I was able to feel I am alive...

Anger, towards myself because I was acting stupid that day, towards myself because I was being mean to her or probably towards myself because I can never be some one that will make her happy...

Contempt towards myself simply because I can never do anything to let this last forever...

Disgust knowing I'm no longer a virgin and it was rather a failed event since it really didn't went all the way, because I wanted to do that, because I was thinking this way and because I wanted I always thought of doing that with here..

Hatred, towards the fact that I can never make this happen again, towards myself that I didn't say much of what I really felt, towards the fact that this is temporary and it really hurts to try and make it last longer...

Surprise that she actually did those things to me, that I was such a great magical experience and towards the fact that I am happy knowing that was my first kiss in a long time...

Regret towards what had happened and the fact that I kept saying everything that was true...

Horror that it was the last thing I would do with her, that everyone would be angry or hate me if they would know what we did and because I might actually lose or wont be seeing her again...

Worry because I didn't get to talk to her after that, because I don't know whats going to happen next, because I'll never see her again at least a kiss good bye and because I won't be happy again probably in a long time again...

Love?I don't know if I did feel it but if I did, I am happy...I now know what I should do and what I want to do for the rest of my miserable life...I wont say it here cause she might read it and I would just be exposing it again...But I do promise to do it right this time...To rewind it to the first time before I felt it coming...

I'm so confused now even but still I am trusting her no matter what...I will be waiting for something I always did...Anyways I'm used to this and it really doesn't matter what's gonna happen to me in the future...What I wana know now is, "Am I going crazy?"...I kept asking it all day..well every day actually...I even kept talking to myself often...Is this what I always get for letting my heart win over my wide experience...I was always used to living alone and like that I'm not alive at all...I've learned to run from these feeling that was so uncomfortable but here I am..."But still it might take me somewhere", that's what I was always thinking...Am I gonna end the pain like this or will it linger inside me?...I don't really care anymore...I just wana save some one while I can...I just want to end the pain right now...
Thanks for listening to me again..my dear notepad...
I hope I wont have to write here again because I need to do something and not always say everything...It's just stupid...Anyways thanks again...


And if you're listening, I miss you.
And if you hear me now, I need you.
Where did you go, 'cause you're not gone.
Everyone knows there's something's wrong.
The wires are cut, and I'm alone

I know we're getting closer.
I know you're coming back for me this time.
This time.

And do you ever want me, do you ever need me?
I know that you left before goodbye.
It's okay, there's always another day.
And anytime you want me, anytime you see me
I don't think you meant to say goodbye
But it's okay, there's always another day.

Your voice comes in and now it's fading.
I can't believe this is so frustrating.
'Cause you never seem to understand
And you let me slip straight through your hands
How does it feel to be alone?

I know we're getting closer.
I know you're coming back for me this time.
This time.

And do you ever want me, do you ever need me?
I know that you left before goodbye.
And it's okay, there's always another day.
And anytime you want me, anytime you see me
I don't think you meant to say goodbye.
But it's okay, there's always another day.

If you ever find what you were looking for.
I will be waiting there.
I will be there.

And do you ever want me, do you ever need me?
I know that you left before goodbye.
And it's okay, there's always another day.
And anytime you want me, anytime you see me
I don't think you meant to say goodbye.
But it's okay, there's always another day.

Note to self:If you're still alive and get to go back here and planning to write again just "Dont forget Monday, 27.Dec.10" and listen to this song...